Hello lovelies and a big Happy New Year! Let’s just address the elephant in the room shall we?- yes, I have been away for ages but it’s been a tough ol’ month for me. January is hard for everyone I think. We have to pick ourselves back up from the slump that follows the busy and jolly time of Christmas and New Year’s and that can often be quite tricky, especially when the weather is freezing and grey and we’d rather do anything else than leave our ‘it’s okay it’s Christmas’ bubble. January is also the month of my late mum’s birthday. It’s on the twenty-seventh so while I don’t usually have to ‘worry’ about it until the end of the month, I end up feeling quite sensitive and sad for a good portion of January, which, as I’m told, is totally understandable. So this, on top of still getting used to Dad having a girlfriend and a bit of online drama (booo), has been a little tough.
Mum’s actual birthday wasn’t too awful this year. I spent the day being gentle on myself and just doing what I felt I was able to do. I also made sure I bottled my feelings up as little as possible- something I’m still learning to do nearly five years on. In previous years I always had uni or school to deal with on the day so it was quite nice this year to spend it properly with Dad and to just check in with each other throughout the day which I think always gives each other a bit of reassurance that things are sad, but okay. In fact it went so much like a normal day I didn’t cry and I ended up feeling guilty for not doing so. I’m told this is all part of the grieving process though and that I don’t necessarily need to cry in order to mark her birthday. Instead, this year I made a cake with Will (Lemon Drizzle, Dad’s fave) and thought of fond memories instead. Tears definitely came later on in the week but overall this has been her first birthday where I’ve felt like I’m actually healing and rejoicing that she was alive and made so many people laugh, rather than feeling heartbroken she isn’t here anymore. I think I tend to build mum’s birthday up in my head quite a lot most years too. I tell myself at the beginning of the year that it’s coming up and I think this makes me have a wart mindset from the get-go. By the time her birthday comes around, I’m a mess and the emotions I’ve built up over the past month come out making me basically have a breakdown from around the 23rd to the end of the month. This year I made sure not to do this and to have no expectations of how I’m going to feel. I made the most out of January I could and when the birthday came around I was relatively calm and prepared and kind to myself, which in combination with each other made the world of difference.
We’ve also had another bit of bad news these last couple of months which have made things a little trickier. Jasper, my beautiful ginger pupper, has also not been very well as his back legs keep collapsing. He’s thirteen now and although it’s to be expected, it’s still hard seeing him go downhill. We’re expecting to have to put him down out of kindness sometime this year as when it gets to the point where he can’t stand or use the garden (I was going to say bathroom but you get what I mean) anymore, obviously his quality of life won’t be great. That’s something we’re going to have to deal with as a family this year and it won’t be nice, but we’ll be giving him all the cuddles until then.
It’s not all been bad though. I’ve been applying to universities and so far I have three unconditional offers! My pen pals will already know all about this so sorry to you lovely gals that this is a bit repetitive for you. As you may or may not know, I’m looking to study English and Creative Writing at university and I ended up applying to a mixture of English and Creative Writing and English Literature and Journalism courses. I’ve had a lot of questions about which unis I’ve applied to so for those of you who want to know I applied for English and Creative Writing at the University of Warwick, the University of Birmingham and Coventry University; I applied for Creative Writing at the University of Gloucestershire and English Literature with Journalism at the University of Buckingham. So far I’ve received unconditional offers from Coventry, Gloucestershire and Buckingham, have done an e-mail interview for Warwick and have unfortunately been rejected (cry) from Birmingham. Buckingham is my firm favourite at the moment as the teaching quality is supposed to be incredible, the campus is gorgeous and small and they’re only two below Cambridge for English! I’m going to see if Warwick accept me or not before I make my final decision but things are definitely looking up education-wise!
I’ve been keeping busy with learning to drive, looking for my very first car (eeeek- hopefully I’ll be getting on before the end of the month!), suffering with tension headaches (whoo) and going on a city break to London with Will which was so lovely (there’ll be a post or two about that coming soon!). I’ve enjoyed my little time away making my blog look a little more ‘me’ and taking time out to look after myself but now I’m ready to start spilling my ramblings onto a page and calling them blog posts again!
Thank you all so much for sticking with me while I had a little unexpected break, I can’t wait to share with you all my journey throughout 2019 and what I have planned for it!
All my love as always,